Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
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BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
that’s me in the corner, that’s me using Microsoft Word, losing my revision
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere