Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
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I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
January is lasting longer than my marriage
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.