Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
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Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely