“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
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[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
Worth remembering.
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
bad
worse
worst
worchester
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
do you like subpoena coladas?
and getting caught and arraigned?
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses