My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
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ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
I’m already scared
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
“I’m requesting the book for you now. Which library location would you like to pick it up from?”
“I’m really busy this week — could you bring it to my house?”
“I’m sorry, we don’t have the capacity to do that.”
“I understand, that makes sense. How about my neighbor’s house?”
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
when there are deer in the woods
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
peep davidson
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
What in the hell is “disposable income”?