Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
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I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
Go hard or stay average
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
Match dot com, but for socks.
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money