developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
You Might Also Like
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
”Been away?”
”Yeah just got back”
”Lucky you, anywhere nice?”
No, I always choose somewhere horrible…
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.