Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
You Might Also Like
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
I really want to retire but these stupid bills just keep
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
The booster protects against what, now?
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.