Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
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Am getting real tired of your crap…
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.