Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
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Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.