When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
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Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
This might be the funniest tweet ever
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
Breaking news:
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.