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If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!