Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
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Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”