I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
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When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
Never be a pizza!
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
The “baby” on the left….
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.