10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
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Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
He’s cranky this morning
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best