So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
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My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.