Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
You Might Also Like
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
Breaking news:
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan