5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
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someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
Previously On Persistence 😎
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.