Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
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I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Oh my God.
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago