Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
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Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
I’m not average. I’m mean.
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”