Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
You Might Also Like
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
Life cycle of cat
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL: