Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
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A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
My nickname is Phantom Menace, because I also came out in 1999 and am not that popular.
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
Cheers Twitter.
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
Morning my dudes.
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend