*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
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My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
*skinny dips into black hole
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
Sex so good you see dead people.
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it