Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
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Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
I need a chiropractor for my brain.