what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
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Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
This is why I hate group projects
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
how do y’all walk in shallow water
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.