I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
You Might Also Like
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?