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“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
bad
worse
worst
worchester
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes