there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
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kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
This is my emotional support knife.
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
I’m good, thanks.
Does this dress make me look cat?
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
My 6 year old asked if we could have hotdogs for dinner and I suggested letting her mom choose the meal given the occasion. She said, “it’s Mother’s DAY not Mother’s NIGHT.”
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem