Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
You Might Also Like
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant