I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
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Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
me when I see my crush
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long