Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
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Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.