When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
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“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
Same pineapple, same
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh