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A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
There’s never enough good news
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.