Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
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*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
are they though??
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult