I support this random dude and all his protests
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If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
We’ve come full circle
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.