You Might Also Like
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
Meanwhile in Portland…
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.