If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
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At least my masseuse has my back.
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
They got a point!
#NeverForget
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over