Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
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me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.