He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
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i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!