You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
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Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
met a woman tonight and I overheard her say she’s a nurse and I was like omg you’re a nurse! I just started ER I love it! And she was like oh that’s awesome I’m ICU! How’s the ER? and then I had to explain I was simply excited to meet a nurse bc I am watching the tv show ER
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
Calling them ‘orcas who capsize boats’ is fine, but I just feel calling them Keeler Whales would be so much better
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word