Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
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I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
*3.5 thank you very much.
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.