When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
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ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/