My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
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[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
When potatoes get eyes, do they start watching you? If so, we should call those ones spec-taters
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.