My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
You Might Also Like
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
Not my job 😂
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.