A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
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🤣😂
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
That’s enough internet for the day
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.