crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
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“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.