harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
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Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?