Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
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“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
Favourite diary entry ever
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming