So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
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Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
If looks could kill
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.