*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
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#CoronaOutbreak
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE